The Perennial Question: What to Do When Your Child Says "Everyone Else Has It"
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your child insists that a particular item, toy, or game is unfair because "everyone else has it"? Perhaps it’s a specific toy you’ve been saving for a special occasion, or maybe it’s a new video game that’s all the rage among their friends. Whatever the reason, the phrase "everyone else has it" can be a real challenge for parents to navigate.
In this article, we’ll explore what happens when your child uses this phrase, and offer expert advice on how to respond in a way that promotes fairness, self-regulation, and a deeper understanding of the values that underlie this statement.
What’s Behind the Phrase?
When your child says "everyone else has it," it’s often a reaction to perceived inequality or injustice. They believe that their peers have something that they don’t, and this perceived deprivation can trigger feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger. This statement is commonly used in the following situations:
- Toy-related disputes: Your child wants a particular toy that you’ve been saving for another occasion, or they’ve seen a friend’s new toy and are convinced that everyone else has it.
- New technology or games: The latest gadget or game is a must-have for your child, and they feel left out because their friends have it.
- Special events or privileges: Your child wants to attend a special event or participate in an activity that others seem to enjoy, and they feel that the rules are unfair if they can’t join in.
- Comparison with others: Your child compares themselves unfavorably to their peers, feeling like they’re behind or lacking in some way.
The Risks of Simply Repeating the Phrase
When responding to your child’s insistence that "everyone else has it," there’s a danger of falling into a trap of simply repeating the phrase back to them. This may seem like a quick fix or a way to placate your child, but it’s actually counterproductive. Here’s why:
- Invalidating their feelings: By repeating the phrase without acknowledging your child’s emotions or concerns, you risk invalidating their feelings. This can lead to further distress and a sense of isolation.
- Reinforcing the comparison: When you repeat the phrase, you inadvertently reinforce the comparison that your child is making between themselves and others. This can perpetuate the idea that their worth is tied to what they have or what they can do.
- Missing an opportunity: Repeating the phrase can also mean missing an opportunity to teach your child valuable life lessons about fairness, self-regulation, and the importance of focusing on their own needs and goals.
Expert Advice: How to Respond to "Everyone Else Has It"
So, how should you respond when your child says "everyone else has it"? Here are some evidence-based strategies from child development experts that can help:
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Acknowledge their emotions: Recognize and validate your child’s feelings in response to "everyone else has it." Let them know that you understand why they might feel sad, frustrated, or angry.
Example: "I can see why you’d feel like everyone else has it. That can be really tough."
This response acknowledges your child’s emotions and creates a safe space for them to express their concerns.
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Explore the context: Gently ask questions to clarify why your child feels like everyone else has the desired item. Listen attentively to their response to better understand the situation.
Example: "Why do you think everyone else has it?" or "Can you tell me more about what’s making you feel like you’re missing out?"
This helps your child articulate their concerns and provides an opportunity for them to think critically about the situation.
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Focus on their own needs and goals: Redirect your child’s attention to their own needs and goals, rather than comparing themselves to others.
Example: "You know what? I’m glad you’re excited about that toy. However, we’ve been saving it for a special occasion, and I think we can find something else that’s just as fun for you to play with this weekend."
This response encourages your child to think about their own interests and find ways to meet their needs, rather than comparing themselves to others.
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Practice self-regulation: Teach your child strategies to regulate their emotions and manage their feelings when they’re upset.
Example: "Let’s take a few deep breaths together, and then we can talk about how you’re feeling."
This helps your child develop emotional regulation skills, which are essential for coping with frustration and disappointment.
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Model healthy comparisons: Instead of comparing yourself to others, model healthy comparisons by focusing on shared experiences and common goals.
Example: "Let’s not focus on who has what. Instead, let’s talk about what we both like about this activity or game."
This promotes a growth mindset and encourages your child to focus on what they can learn from others, rather than comparing themselves to others.
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Foster a growth mindset: Emphasize that abilities and progress can be improved through hard work and dedication.
Example: "I know you’re frustrated that you can’t get the hang of this game yet. But that’s okay! We can practice together, and you’ll get better with time."
This encourages your child to view challenges as opportunities for growth and development.
Strategies for Common Situations
Here are some additional strategies you can use in common situations where your child says "everyone else has it":
- Toy-related disputes: Offer alternatives or compromise.
Example: "We can’t buy the toy you want right now, but we can look for something similar. How does that sound?" - New technology or games: Focus on the skills or experiences involved, rather than the item itself.
Example: "I understand you want the new game, but what about all the other games we have at home? Let’s play one of those together this weekend." - Special events or privileges: Use this as an opportunity to teach your child about responsibility and decision-making.
Example: "We can’t go to the party today, but we can have a smaller celebration at home. Let’s make it a special evening together."
Conclusion
The phrase "everyone else has it" can be a challenging phrase for parents to navigate, but by using evidence-based strategies and expert advice, you can help your child develop the skills they need to cope with frustration and develop a growth mindset.
